Not Saying Goodbye
by BabyBeaver
Summary: Kinda stealing the idea from someone, but oh well. Just Ben's thoughts after certain scenes during Absent.


**August 13, 2008: HOLY COW, just watched episode seven over again this morning and OMG, I love Ben even more. :D I keep replaying the last, like, two minutes going, "OMG, SO CUTE! I WANT A BEN."**

**So anyway. Speculation and Ben's thoughts on what happened during or after parts of the show (phone call in the morning, cemetery visit, and the hug at the end—my favorite scene!!)**

**Possibly a little OOCish…**

**I own NOTHING.**

**Heck, the idea kinda came from AshGurl2897's "A Love That Requires No Less" (by far one of my favorite Secret Life fics) and the episode.**

* * *

"Ben, I'm going to my grandmother's. You can come over tonight and say goodbye if you want. I'll probably leave in the morning," Amy told him, and Ben frowned.

"No. Thanks for asking, but no. I don't wanna say goodbye because I don't want you to leave," he replied, and she hung up on him.

He groaned, knowing that last part probably shouldn't have left his head, but he had to tell her how he felt. She had to know that saying goodbye to her for another six or seven months tonight would mean saying goodbye for six or seven months too long. He didn't want to say goodbye to her for more than about five seconds, actually. Saying goodbye when they hung up the phone was hard enough! He didn't think he could handle saying goodbye for an indefinite amount of time. Why couldn't Amy see that?

Ben sighed and looked at the photo of his mother on his nightstand, a tear winding its way down his cheek as he remembered the last time he'd said goodbye to a special woman. He didn't like saying goodbye period, but it was always harder to say it today than any other day.

--

"Life is for the living, son. You can talk to the deceased but not the living? Join the living. If Amy's leaving and going to her grandma's, then that's what's happening. It doesn't mean you won't be together for the rest of your lives, it means she's going away for a while. For a while. Get it? She's not leaving forever!"

"She's choosing to go. Mom, she didn't have a choice. But Amy is—"

"You can't have your way on this one, Benjamin." Mr. Boykewich nodded toward the gravestone. "Just like I couldn't have my way on that one. Live with it."

But Ben didn't _want_ to live with it. He knew it was selfish, but he didn't want to keep saying goodbye. He _couldn't_ keep saying goodbye.

And so what if the dead were easier to talk to than the living? Coming here made him feel closer to his mother, even if it was just a coffin holding her body. He felt closer to her here, today, than he did anywhere else. His father didn't get it. Nobody understood it. Except maybe Alice, but even she probably thought he was a little crazy for not moving on yet.

But then again, he didn't care what people thought of him, so why should he be worrying about his father's comments?

--

"What?!" Amy demanded as she opened the door, thinking he was Ricky.

Ben blinked and stammered, "I-I was hiding in the bushes; I hope you don't mind. I was coming up the walk and I saw your dad pull up (off?) and I knew Ricky was inside so—"

Amy hugged him, interrupting his comment, and Ben finished, "I got stuck."

"I don't mind. I don't mind at all," Amy whispered, moving slightly.

"No, no, no, stay. It's okay," Ben said, hugging her tightly.

"That bump? It's not me. It's the baby," Amy informed him quietly.

"Yeah, I thought so." He chuckled. "The baby."

He paused, then requested, "Don't shut me out, Amy. Please don't shut me out."

That triggered a waterfall of tears from Amy, and Ben sighed and carefully moved them both inside, closing the door with his foot as he led Amy over to the couch and sat down with her sobbing in his arms. He sighed, rubbing her back, and let her cry on his shoulder.

Mrs. Juergens rushed into the living room when she heard Amy's sobs and looked at Ben, surprise clearly etched on her face.

"Ben," she sighed, sounding almost relieved. "I thought maybe Ricky was still here…"

Ben managed a smile as he replied, "Nah, Ricky doesn't get the honor of making Amy cry."

He heard Amy laugh a little through her tears and Anne smiled, then stated apologetically, "Amy's getting your jacket all wet…"

Ben shook his head. "I need a new one anyway."

Anne chuckled as she sat down in the recliner, gazing at him. "You're so good to her…"

Ben blushed but tried to shrug off the comment. "It's no big deal."

Anne shook her head. "Don't say that. She loves you. She _needs_ you. She's just scared."

"And we're talking about her like she's not in the room," Ben smiled, looking at Amy.

Anne laughed. "Right. Sorry, Ames."

Amy had stopped crying and was looking at Ben curiously. "So why are you all dressed up?"

"Because I came to see you," Ben grinned, but Amy frowned.

"Ben, that smile…isn't real. What were you really doing?"

Ben sighed, knowing he shouldn't--couldn't--keep secrets from Amy, and told her, "I was visiting my mother. She… died five years ago today."

Amy's face fell and she put a hand on his arm. "Ben, I'm sorry. You… you didn't _have_ to tell me… I shouldn't have asked…"

Ben laughed, ignoring the comment. "My dad thinks I'm crazy for visiting her grave every year, but I feel…connected to her there."

Anne smiled sympathetically. "That's not crazy. You and your dad just grieve differently. He thinks it's best to move on, and you don't. It's understandable."

Ben smiled. "So that's where Amy gets it…"

"Gets what?" Anne and Amy asked simultaneously, and Ben grinned.

"Well, her brains of course! Not to mention her beauty."

Amy blushed and Anne stood up, declaring, "I'll just go see what Ashley's up to…"

Ben turned serious as Anne left the room, looking at Amy and asking cautiously, "So what did you tell Ricky?"

Amy sighed. "That I'm capable of speaking for myself and that I'm not sure I want him involved in the baby's life."

"Are you still going to your grandmother's?" Ben asked, hoping for a "no."

"What else can I do?" Amy asked helplessly, and when he opened his mouth she added, "No, I already told you that's not an option."

"You don't even know what I was gonna say!"

"You were gonna tell me to live with you, and I can't do that."

"Actually, I was going to say that you shouldn't move to your grandmother's house when you could live with your family _or_ mine. Just please, please don't go," Ben pleaded, fighting back tears. "I don't want to not see you every day. I want to be there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on or somebody to yell at. I don't want you to leave."

"Ben, I have to. I can't stay here and have people stare at me," Amy told him, and he could tell she was fighting another set of tears.

"Yes you can. Just ignore the stares. Heck, I'll glare at people who stare too much if you want me to, just please don't leave."

"Ben, I'll be back. It's not like I'll be gone forever."

Ben looked away and Amy sighed. "Ben, why is this so hard for you to understand?"

"I'm trying to understand, I am, I just…"

He looked back at her, unable to keep the tears from surfacing, and confessed, "I hate saying goodbye. Especially today. And saying goodbye to somebody I care about today is even harder..."

"Because of your mother," Amy finished softly, and he nodded.

"Yeah. I try not to say goodbye at all today."

He forced out a chuckle. "Guess that didn't work so well this year."

Amy sighed, returning the conversation to a previous comment. "Ben, I can't ignore the stares."

"You keep saying that, but it shouldn't be that difficult," Ben replied, trying to keep his voice calm and level.

"Ben, I'm not you. I can't ignore people."

"People will stare at you no matter where you go, you know," he replied quietly.

Amy glared at him. "Your point?"

"If you're worried about being stared at, you really shouldn't leave your room."

Before Amy could reply, Ben added, "I know you're frustrated and you'll probably yell at me for that last comment, but seriously, Amy. Life isn't easy. My dad reminded me of that twice today."

Amy's glare softened to a confused stare and he explained, "He told me this morning before I called you that not much in life is easy, and then today at the cemetery, he told me I can't have my way and that I need to live with it, but I can't. I don't want you to leave. Six months is way too long for you to be gone. I have enough trouble saying good night and hanging up the phone!"

That got a laugh from Amy, and Ben sighed in relief.

"I just don't get why you want to leave, why you don't want me to see getting…bigger," he said softly. "I love you, Amy. I don't care if you get a little bigger, but I don't get why you seem to. Help me understand. Please?"

Amy's bottom lip started to quiver and Ben groaned. "Amy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

He pulled her close again, mentally kicking himself for causing Amy's tears, however accidental it may have been.

But as Amy cried, he realized that maybe she didn't want to leave. Maybe she did want to stay, she just couldn't see it happening. And he determined right then and there that he would do everything in his power to help her see how it could work.

And if she still wanted to leave, he would accept that, but he would keep in touch throughout the time she spent at her grandmother's, because nothing was going to separate him from Amy.

* * *

**I **_**knew**_** it. I **_**knew**_** he was a Benjamin. Now if only he was a Benjamin Randolph… xPP**

**Sheesh, it kinda spiraled on me toward the end there… o.O;; Ended up about 1610 words, and the end is funky, but hey. It's another fic.**

**Ben's so ridiculously amazing. He wants to be strong, but sometimes he's weak, he lets Amy cry on his shoulder, he **_**proposed**_**, and he loves her no matter what. I WANT ONE. Or at least somebody similar. But I'm always saying "God's timing," so perhaps I should take my own advice? xD**

**So totally ecstatic about tonight's episode.**


End file.
